Posted on September 3rd, 2008A Simple Driving Guide
Ok, so this one is more of a list than an article/column, but hey, so what? I’ll try not to sound too much like a ranting supervillain describing his ultimate triumph to some captured hero about to be released from said trap due to a miscalculation.
Human behavior - It’s predictable, boring and incredibly aggravating. As Sarte once said, “Hell is other people.” Admittedly, the man leaned heavily on the principle of solipsism (go ahead, click it and learn something), but it’s hard to argue with him some days. So without further ado…
Rule one: Get the hell out of the fast lane. Ever get caught behind the putz who insists on going the same speed as the person next to them? "But I'm going the speed limit..." Yeah great, now do it in the lane next to you so the rest of us can get by.
Rule two: Don’t make traffic worse. Even more infuriating, ever get stuck behind the dumb*ss who has to give themselves 87 car lengths between their car and the Ford Fiesta in front of them because they're in traffic? That way, everyone from the lane next to them can get in front of the jag-off, thereby using that space. Essentially, a stupidity assisted self fulfilling prophesy. But I'm not bitter. Really. It’s just great to see that not only am I not going anywhere, but now it’s going to take even longer to get there.
Oh yeah, and you with the bumper stickers – I don’t give a damn about which political party you’re a part of or which god you pray to. Rule three: Bumper stickers are for humor and sports teams. Period. I’m not going to convert, register, or get a frontal lobotomy just because you’ve got a little fishy, Vote Quimby or other assorted paraphernalia super-glued to your arse. At least amuse me, find something funny. Like this:
These are pretty simple so far, right? Hey, maybe we made a bit of a leap on the last one, but stay with me. I lived in Pittsburgh for several years. Great city, wonderful people, would go back in a heartbeat. One problem, tunnels. Rule four: Speed up, do not slow down in a tunnel. There aren’t any cops in tunnels – the po-po can’t bust you for speeding in one. Its just a straight line. Get over your claustrophobia and go through it at the speed limit at least. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent trying to get through the Squirrel Hill tunnel only to find its clear on the other side. Grrrr!
Rule five: Stop f@cking with everything within arm’s reach. Hey, I’m guilty of this one too, but I really try not to pick up the phone and play with the radio at the same time. Hell, in most states it’s a law! Pull over and talk to Suzy about how awful her mother/boyfriend/supervisor/teacher is (hopefully these aren’t all one person – read: Deliverance) or tell her you’ll call her neurotic ass back. I’m not heading to the hospital ‘cause you missed the stop sign.
Rule six: Yield means stop. Pretend you’re a knight in the middle ages. If your opponent says “I yield” it means he gives up. He doesn’t go on fighting slowly so that he can eventually stick you with a sword. That means you don’t just slow down a bit and hope that the rest of us will let you in, thereby causing us all to jam on our brakes. The sign for that maneuver is this:
Yes, that is a merge sign. Which brings me to Rule seven: When you get on the highway, try to do it at 55 mph or better, huh? If you can’t successfully merge onto the highway at the speed limit, just go down to the DMV and give them your license back. I’m serious. And since you clearly have time to kill, you probably won’t mind the line to talk to someone.
Well, that’s what I’ve got so far. I’m sure I’ll come up with 33 more tomorrow on my way in to work, but this will do for now. Enjoy!
Agree? Got a few rules you’d like to add? Send them to me. Are you one of the cretins violating my rules? Yeah, you can email me too, just be sure you do it slowly since I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself. I’m at mark@latehitz.com.
