Posted on August 27th, 2008The Heckler Crüe-ses Into September
Nothing gets me going like a jaunt to the local arena to sit amongst the mulleted minions, the aging groupie MILF’s, the 40-something-CEO type-closet metal heads, and other assorted relics from the ’80s to rock out with Vince, Nikki, Tommy and Mick, better known as the most notorious band of all time, Motley Crue.
As a fellow Cruehead recently put it - There are bands who are more talented musically. There are bands who have a wider range of abilities, and there are singers with more power in their pipes. However, there is no one on the planet who personifies what a rock n’ roll band is all about more than the Crue. From the over-the-top stage show, the sleezy guitar riffs, the party-boy front man, the demonic themes, the excess, the addictions, the overdoses, the arrests, the internal battles, the volume of female celebrities banged (Bon Jovi and Poison pick up their scraps), the near-death experiences, the failed solo projects, the sex tapes, Tommy Lee’s tripod (like you never saw it!), the divorces, the law suits, the break-ups, the reunion, the “Tit E. Cam” (I’ll let you figure that one out), and to the farewell tour that is now going on four years and counting, they have a resume of mayhem so profound that their drummer has the word tattooed on his stomach. They even have a guitarist who performs every night despite having a disease that restricts him from moving all of his outer extremities except for his fingers. Leave it to the Crue to define rock n’ roll and irony.
Which is why I had to make the pilgrimage on Sunday to bask in the awesomeness. Needless to say, I was not disappointed and I have had nothing but Motley Crue songs stuck in my head ever since. So we are going to do a little Motley word association today. My colleagues here at Late Hitz are going to say the name of a Motley Crue song, in no particular order, and I am going to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind…
Girls, Girls, Girls – The Chinese Olympic gymnastics team. They are about seven years shy from being considered women so they are, quite literally, girls.
Red Hot – C.C. Sabathia. 8-0 with a 1.59 ERA since joining the Brewers. I can’t wait until December 1st, when Hank Steinbrenner issues him a “take it or leave it” ultimatum to accept his first offer.
Public Enemy #1 – Jimmy Rollins. Calling out the Philly fans by accusing them of being front-runners, and you know what, he’s right! Why else would they put up a statue of Rocky Balboa? That guy always wins. Where’s the Clubber Lang statue?
Merry-Go-Round – Opposing base runners when the Mets have a seemingly comfortable lead. (Who did I piss off to deserve this torture?)
Home Sweet Home –The Tampa Bay Rays, who boast an astounding 47-18 record at home, good for best in the American League. The fans at the Trop are so happy they are speechless. Oh yea that’s right, no one is there. That would explain the silence.
Primal Scream – Michael Phelps
Kickstart my Heart – First innings for the Metropolitans. Can we hypnotize them into thinking every inning is the first inning? Better yet, let’s have the blowpen pitch the first three innings and then put in the starter. The only reason this hasn’t been tried is economics, with the importance of stats in contract negotiations.
Chicks = Trouble – Depends on the age of the chicks in question: 18 and over - Eliot Spitzer. 14 and under – Gary Glitter
Afraid – Batman! He still hasn’t answered my challenges after weeks of taunting!
Keep Your Eye on the Money – Dr. James Andrews. That dude could retire from key NFL preseason injuries alone.
Hell on High Heels – Anna Benson.
Same Ol’ Situation – Luis Castillo. The first two pitches he sees after coming off the disabled list… two fake bunts. Glad to see you haven’t changed Luey.
M****r F****r of the Year – Has to be Chuck Norris. There are still four months to go in 2008 but he has held this title for the past 75 years, even though he is only 68.
People who deserve to be heckled this week
The Youth Baseball League of New Haven – Nine-year-old Jericho Scott has been banned from pitching in the league for being too good, literally. League attorney Peter Noble explains, "Facing that kind of speed is frightening for beginning players.” Isn’t the whole point of Little League to teach the basic principles of the game? One of the first ones being - Don’t be afraid of the ball!!! Here’s the kicker, he has never hit a batter! And even if he does, how are they supposed to learn to how to shake it off? Whatever happened to life lessons? Just in case the cartoons kids watch these days haven’t clued you in on this fact, we are raising a society full of p*ssies! This is further proof. I am embarrassed to live in New Haven County right now.
Jeff Kent, OF LA Dodgers – He rips Vin Scully, of all people, and claims to be insulted by the notion that he is a better hitter with Manny Ramirez batting behind him. Don’t be thankful for the protection or anything, or the fact that your team has a better chance to win with Manny. Just stroke your own ego. By the way, speaking of your team - thanks for your help with the Phillies. We appreciate it. And Jeff, remember, there is no “I” in “team”. There is no “I” in “Kent” either, but perhaps there should be a “u”, right in place of the “e”.
Omar Infante, OF Atlanta Braves – Makes a nice running catch against the wall at Shea, taunts the fans behind the fence, later misplays a ball to give up the walk-off hit. Serves him right. Why can’t we always benefit from that kind of karma?
Final thought – some nail-biting action last night from Pennsylvania’s world famous Little League field, and I am not talking about Williamsport. We have one more game at Citizen’s Bandbox and Santana once again needs to be the stopper. Biggest game of the year after last night’s abortion. Let’s Go Mets!!
